fly on the wall: existential crisis

I honestly struggle with life sometimes.

I know we all do, and I know we all have existential crises.

I’m at that age where I keep pondering the meaning of life… I know! How bloody annoying!

I keep wondering, am I doing enough? Is this why I am here on earth? Am I just wasting air and taking up space?

Shit.

It becomes a loop and it always goes something like this:

1. Ugh I hate my life
2. Why? I should be grateful, I have everything one needs to survive
3. That’s true but you dont have to make me feel bad about this, this is just how I feel
4. Jeez ,toughen up why dont you?! So sensitive
5. OKAY LET’S JUST TRY TO GET ALONG
6. *Mental struggle between happiness and anxiety and contentment and guilt*
7. Okay, I’m just gonna write a list of all the things I’m grateful for
8. Takes 2 days to think of everything and there’s a lot (and the process just takes long because you get too complacent wit everything you have at your disposal that you forget that you actually are quite lucky)
9. Wow! That’s awesome!
10. …So why am I so unhappy? I must not be doing enough… I have all this stuff.. and I’m so greedy I need to start giving back
11. *Tries to be more productive with time and money and helping others financially*
12. Okay that’s all cool but now I cant remember what I am meant to be doing… what are my dreams? I’m doing things for others… what about me?
13. OMG WHY ARE YOU SO SELFISH
14. Repeat steps 1-14

I honestly am sick to death of working and thinking and feeling like a mule all the damn time. Sometimes I crave silence. I crave simplicity. I just want to BE. I just want to exist on this earth as a human being and not a physio or a sister or a friend or a pastor’s daughter or a tenant or anything. I feel like I’m always needing to BE something and someone all the damn time when all I want to be is me.

I feel like all these damn obligations and rules are FORCING me to be a part of this life.

Nothing feels natural anymore.

When did this get so complicated?

thanks for reading xo