I honestly struggle with life sometimes.
I know we all do, and I know we all have existential crises.
I’m at that age where I keep pondering the meaning of life… I know! How bloody annoying!
I keep wondering, am I doing enough? Is this why I am here on earth? Am I just wasting air and taking up space?
It becomes a loop and it always goes something like this:
- Ugh I hate my life
- Why? I should be grateful, I have everything one needs to survive
- That’s true but you dont have to make me feel bad about this, this is just how I feel
- Jeez ,toughen up why dont you?! So sensitive
- OKAY LET’S JUST TRY TO GET ALONG
- *Mental struggle between happiness and anxiety and contentment and guilt*
- Okay, I’m just gonna write a list of all the things I’m grateful for
- Takes 2 days to think of everything and there’s a lot (and the process just takes long because you get too complacent wit everything you have at your disposal that you forget that you actually are quite lucky)
- Wow! That’s awesome!
- …So why am I so unhappy? I must not be doing enough… I have all this stuff.. and I’m so greedy I need to start giving back
- *Tries to be more productive with time and money and helping others financially*
- Okay that’s all cool but now I cant remember what I am meant to be doing… what are my dreams? I’m doing things for others… what about me?
- OMG WHY ARE YOU SO SELFISH
- Repeat steps 1-14
I honestly am sick to death of working and thinking and feeling like a mule all the damn time. Sometimes I crave silence. I crave simplicity. I just want to BE. I just want to exist on this earth as a human being and not a physio or a sister or a friend or a pastor’s daughter or a tenant or anything. I feel like I’m always needing to BE something and someone all the damn time when all I want to be is me.
I feel like all these damn obligations and rules are FORCING me to be a part of this life.
Nothing feels natural anymore.
When did this get so complicated?
thanks for reading xo