who i am

 

labels. a few years ago i would be saying -bloody hell i hate labels! i dont want to be put in a box. i dont want you to lump me in with things i only half-heartedly agree with.

but three years is a long time and life… ahh, life just has a way of turning things on its head. i mean… we’re humans arent we?! we have the capacity to learn things and change our opinions. like all the damn time. i think we all end up having a love-hate relationship with nearly everything we have an opinion on. my goodness it is not black and white… at all. and dont you try to be making everything black and white cause youll just drive yourself up the wall!

it’s so damn complicated. a physio i love and adore who does not know i exist always says that, things are complex, but they dont need to be complicated. which is also true! how are we not living our lives on fences? why is there such a thing as conviction? everything is right… sometimes. and everything is wrong… sometimes. it depends on the context. i suppose.

sometimes i feel like im being pulled apart at the seams because i see every side of an argument, or an idea or a thought or an opinion. i realised this a few years ago and guess who made me realise this?! Lil Wayne. Yes! The rapper! the guy that sounds like a raspy creaky and creepy guy that’s trying to hit on you. about 5 years ago i hated lil wayne. loathed him. dont ask me why but he always pressed my buttons. then he had some songs with a few of my faves. then i liked him. and i realised i had hated him for no reason. then he said that thing about All Lives Matter then I just felt disappointment in him. now? i have no opinion of him- just sadness, sometimes. he contributed nothing to my life yet he made me do a 360 on my feelings about him. but i realised humans are like this. we are so fickle. so damned fickle. we chop and change and grow and ungrow and then we just die. what a life. what does it mean? i dont know!

now i cant remember why i wrote this post.

oh yes, labels. theyre important! because we can identify who we are. isnt that a huge part in all of us? we want to find out who we are! so we need labels. and then we can find other like-minded weirdos like ourselves so we can feel okay about the world. ahhh. the good things in life.

the stress and anxiety ive gone through in the last three years made me isolate myself a lot. dissociation is a word that comes to mind. every once in a while i would go off and find my people, but mostly i stayed at home and found comfort in tv shows- mostly comedies and action comedies cause why not. but my goal for this year is to find myself in my life. go back to doing things i used to love doing! you forget you know!?

for example over christmas i spent time with family and we got to play volleyball and rugby. i havent played these things in years and i forgot the joy i had in these things. it was like i forgot who the fuck i was and forgot about all the things that made me… me. so that is a part of why ive gotten back into blogging. and why ive gone back to sports. and also surprisingly why ive gone back to church.

and every day im noticing a small difference in myself… it’s subtle… but damn i love feeling myself again. you dont realise the ways in which your stress, depression, anxiety and anti-socialism (is that a thing?) really fucks with your life until you look back and you dont even remember who you are! (also did you know anxiety and depression can fuck with your memory?)

so 2017 is my year of letting go of my inner pain. i want to love my life and experience my life more. i want to make memories. i want to live unapologetically. i want to make myself proud again.

i am and will be everything i want to be. i am a woman. a Samoan. a Christian. a feminist. i am a lover of food and weight lifting and playing volleyball. i love to read and buy books. i want to help people in any way i can with whatever i can. i want to judge people less and understand people more. i want to be happy. i want to help uplift other people. i want to go to work and not feel like i am selling myself short. i want to forgive. i want my parents to be proud of me and accept me. i want to be more accepting. i want to talk about all the ways people like me live and survive in this world. i want to talk about social issues. i want people to know Black Lives Matter. I want to write and write and meet people. i want to stop being afraid of everything. i want to drive and travel.

this is my hope for me. i hope that you still have hopes for yourself. you are everything that you want to be. life is hard but it’s a good thing that’s the general consensus right?! haha

 

thank you for reading xx

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